Its finally hitting me.

I broke down last night. I couldnt hold it in any more. With all the stress an angst and things, put on top of saying goodbye to all my dance girls... I bawled. For a few hours. I still am tearing up thinking about leaving my girls. It's like all of them were my own children I am leaving. And especially giving up my pointe girls to someone new... Im so protective over them, it is so hard to see someone else teach them. I just hope she gives them the freedom to have fun with pointe and not drill seargent them as if they were at the Royal Ballet of London. They dance for themselves and thier families, not world wide audiences. I explained to her that I let the girls help with alot of the choreography and stuff... Oh I'm worrying too much. They will be fine, and I suppose they will get used to a totally different teaching style. I will miss them so much. 

Lisa (the head teacher) said she would give me addresses to keep in touch. I'm excited to send everyone postcards. 

So that emotional experience on top of trying to get all this moving stuff in order finally caught up with me. So aside from puffy eyes and I'm completely exhausted, it felt good to cry. Although I fear I am not done crying. We have 5 days until liftoff. We aren't even staying for Thanksgiving dinner. It is really hard to leave for me around the holidays. My family is a very traditional holiday family, so it is difficult. Not to mention I will miss my grandpas 80th birthday party. I'm just overwhelmed. I am really hoping the lady that is coming to look at the apartment will take it. (Please God?) 

Ok, so anyways, let me finally get to how this all happened. Backtracking here... ok.. so my husband was in the welding program at BSU, this was his 3rd month. His teacher had a former student who manages? the welding fab in Vancouver who discovered my husband and was impressed and then called us and offered him a job. Thats it. It couldnt have happened any quicker. It is amazing pay and somehting that Zac really likes to do. I wont have to work if I dont want to, but I  will until I get the credit card paid off. Coffee shop or a book store would be nice. 

We got to spend a little time at my moms house last night, which was nice. Im going to miss them so much. I'm still waiting to hear if we approved for the apartment I applied for... I hope to hear today. WHen I hear we have an apartment up there and someone to take over ours here, I think I might be able to relax. I havent even had time to call everyone and tell them. Holy crap I am tired.

Oh ya, and I am trying to find a place for our cat. If you know anyone in the Treasure Valley who wants a cat, let me know. Hubs says we cant take him. My work is interviewing for my posisiton today. She is nice. Ok I have to get back to work now, which is another thing on top of all of this, working 8 hours and trying to wrap things up here too. I think I deserve a break after this move. 

Oy Vey.

And the stress is mounting. Again. The newest predicament is with those lovely fershtinkiners we Americans so lovingly call "the IRS". So we are entitled to these "stimulus packages" right? Ofcourse. Even the rest of us Americans who filed an extension to file our return by October 15th. According the "nice" lady at the IRS, my tax return is being processed but wasnt received until the 23rd which makes me ineligble for a stimulus return. So that got me immediatly on the horn with my accountant, because we had that return postmarked definetly before the 15th. Our accoutant used to work for the IRS and he said that if the envelope is postmarked on or before the 15th, whether it is April or October, then we are not late and should be eligible.

 So he said that what probably happened is the person who entered them probably put the post date as the day they received my return and not the date on the stamped envelope. Now he is going to call them and see what schlep did that and get it reversed. Even if I postmarked it for the 13th, I should still be eligible. Its like all those people in April lining up at the blue post box on the 15th to get it in the mail by midnight. 

Layoff season again. (But not for me, praise Him!)

At this point, I dont care who gets to be president. I shouldnt say that, I mean whatever happens, I just hope the economy does something good. My new job just laid off 2 employees that have been there for a very very long time. Which is a suprise because had I known layoffs were going to happen, I would have guessed it would have been me, just because I was the newest to the group. But apparently, they sat me down and told me that they really like me, want to keep me on, and it is the drive and motivation and good attitude I have, and also the efficiency factor I have that is really working for me. (good to know..) Also, we have cut the janitorial service and they are hiring me on a few days a week in the mornings before work for more pay... (I'll take that) 

My point in saying I dont care who's president is just me wishing that something would happen for the better. We vote here shortly, and I am no psychic so I cant predict who is going to win. I just hope that there is hope for either McCain or Obama. And yes I realize the differences between the two, I've watched the debates and have formed my own opinions, but I cant change things. Whoever wins, wins. I just pray that America has a fighting chance with either one. 

And I praise God that I still have a job, and that He is still providing for my family.

On my mind.

**this is part of the town where we are trying to move**

I feel like I am getting old. I am only 22, but it feels like Im running behind everyone my age. Everyone I know is settled in a home with a husband and at least 1 kid. I've got the husband part down. Maybe its because Nampa is such a small town and no one leaves. I went to highschool with people whos grandparents went to school in that town. I'll be turning 23 this year and its kinda scary. Makes me think about wow, I've been out of highschool for 6 years, and I will be 30 in 7 years. We better start having kids now before we get too old to run after them... we want 2-3 at 2 years apart. When we move to Alaska I think is when we would entertain the idea more. We both would like to start now, but things are way too up in the air to make that kind of commitment. I hope Alaska comes soon.

I am in desperate need to pray harder about that. Im so scared that we wont qualify for a loan and then we wont be able to move, or we will have to wait. I just dont want to disappoint anyone. I tell ya though, this whole thing is stressing me out more than ever. I am working so hard to try to make everything come together that I seem to have got it in my head that I cant relax until we get there. And its taking a toll on my health I know, but I dont know what else to do about it except pray and even then I only seem to get temporary comfort. I do know that we are working with God's time and if it is something that He wants us to do then we will go along with it and if not then we wont force it. It's just hard to remember that. I want a place to call our own sooo bad! I am tired of moving so much. I want a place to decorate, where I can bake and keep tidy and have kids running around. I am not saying Im not thankful for all the places God has led us to stay because each one has been a blessing in itself and my home is wherever my husband and cat are, I just would like to stay put for awhile. Writing it down makes me feel a bit better... but October is so close!! And I'll be 23 in September! I feel old.

Time to buckle down and pray my little brains out.

Thank you.

Oh how uplifting some people are! If you ever get a chance, go read Anna's blog at hoperoadblog.com. Such an uplifting spirit!! I have been going through pangs of anxiety all morning and afternoon from some not so great circumstances and a not so nice phone call...and I got back from lunch and sat down and there was His silent nudging in my mind to read her blog. I ofcourse said to myself "later, ive got to put this file away". (keep in mind my stomach was in knots and i was on the verge of tears) And His voice got louder, so I listened to His voice and her last entry was the exact words I needed to hear. My anxiety is cleared through His good graces and Anna's faith in Him. God is good!!!

So thank you Anna at Hope Road, for your sweet spirit, your kind words, and your "sturdy joy" that brought my faith back to where it should be. I think it is a wonderful thing how God uses other people to influence faith and ministering, even if it is over a blog and not at a church sermon or in a church like setting. I find so much joy in reading the ministerings of others, even if they don't intend them to be of a sermon-like post.

So thank you to all who minister through their posts, and especially thank you Anna, for reminding me that through all trials He is there to catch us.

Pray for us.

Had another Alaska anxiety dream last night. Where's the money going to come from? Will we be able to pay off what we owe down here first? What if we cant get a $40,000 home loan? Funds dont just fall into your lap, how are you going to get this put in motion? Are we being realistic in the timeframe we are setting for ourselves? We'll have kids there, is the church strong enough to raise them how we would like? What if our kids never see thier grandparents? And on..and on...and on....

Talk about not a restful 8 hours. Please pray for us that things will all fall into place, and of course I understand that we are working on Gods time. I guess just pray for my peace of mind.